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3/24/10 08:00 pm - the deeper you get..

there was a new boy at wammy's. his name was unknown. well, we're speaking in past tense. because this is the story, he wanted to be untold, but ofcourse me, i would tell everyone, everyone his story.

mello pov.

i was walking down the hallway at wammys, heading ot my room, when all of a suddne the front door oepned and i curiously turned my head to the side. turned out it was only roger. so i headed to the room, and i was so tired, i layed on my bed, and i fell asleep.

i woke up like at one in the morning, i woke up cuz i heard mumbling. who could be mumbling??? and i turned to my side, and in the bed next to me, was another boy. at first i thought,. 'what the hell?' . but then i had rememebered. someone talking to me. i was half asleep, but they were telling me something. probebly that this boy was to be my roommate.

i eneded up falling asleep, though. i was very tired. then, i woke up, a few hours later. i got up from the bed, yawned, stretched, and looked behind me, the boy was standing up looking at me weirdly. there were some things i noticed about him. he had goggles around his neck. he was wearing a striped longsleeve shirt, and one of the sleeves was pulled up, but replacing it was a band that went across his arm .

strange. was he hurt? why was he here? when did he get here? what was he doing? i wondered as he sat down on the bed and fell to the side.

"hey?" i asked/stated.
"hi" he replied innocently, with a shy voice. i was determined to answer all my questions, but, i figured that he would be creeped out if i were to ask him too many questions.
"whats your name?" i ask.
"Matt he says. so his name is matt. i guess thats all a normal person should normally ask? is it?

proceding to what happened next, i told him that we should go have breakfast, so he followed me, to where everyone was, and they all stared, not at me, but at the kid next ot me. B was the first to say something.

"hey! who are you?!" he yelled, laughing psychotically.
"im matt!!!" matt yelled back, smiling psychotically. this scared me. this scared everyone. this was off white.

3/15/10 04:11 pm

 Today was an evil day. Especially since these weeks have been horrible for me. Lets start by making a list of things that have occurred:
  1. I've adapted this habit of getting rid of food and anything that has to do with food.
  2. I'm always on the edge of my seat.
  3. Anxiety has overwhelmed me.
  4. My ex boyfriend is my new boyfriend. 
  5. My best friend is talking behind my back.
  6. No one cares about me; they are annoyed at my "depression".

And so, what has happened is in this order:

  • Monday: On Monday, i went to school as usual. I met my friends at school and everything was normal. But in the morning, i has dressed up as my favorite character from an Anime i like. My "friend" Brianna, insulted me, basically, she told me that i looked nothing like him. On our way to the cafeteria, she brought up the topic 'emo' . I really despise that topic. I hate people who are stereotypical. And believe it or not, she called myself 'emo'. I figured she knew allot about me. I guess because i cant trust my best friend Sunay in telling her things. So, during class, we were in the library, and i walked up to her and i told her i needed to talk to her. She said "sure" happily and she sat in front of me and looked at me with this horrid face. "What do you want to talk about?" she asked. And i asked her, "Brianna, what do you know about me?" and she says "Well, Raquel, i know allot of things about you, not necessarily that you have told me, but things i just know, you are very easy to read, youre like an open book" i was shocked. "what i know about you, is that your a selfish brat who wants attention. The only attention you get is bad attention because you end up doing things that hurt you and others. No one wants to hear about your problems in your life. Noone wants to be around a person who is always crying, no one. Even Sunay and me, we are getting pretty annoyed" i stare at her, deadly eyes. But in reality, I'm about to break. "It seems like your gonna cry" she laughs. and i just pretend to be happy, for the rest of class. Comes lunch, my ex boyfriend, Alex. He keeps on saying hi to me, he keeps on hugging me, and i figure, something isn't right. So he tells me, "I'm so sorry" and then, he leaves. Leaves me wondering what he wants. Hasn't he had enough? So, i head off to class with my friend Izzy. These days it seems like i can trust him more. Everything to the rest, is okay. 
  • Thursday: On Thursday, Alex asked me out. I was nervous. I didn't know what to say. Why did he want me? I was an ugly piece of shit. I considered the possibility that he only wanted me for certain things. And, i said yes. But theres things about Alex. Things that make me nervous and scared. He said he plans things. He plans everything. Hes a strategist. Or whatever that is called. Alex planned, as he told me, that after one month, we were going to do this, and after two months we were going to do that. I don't want to do THAT. And this is one of the things i don't like about him. Its like, i give in to him and its hard for me to say NO to things. I was happy somewhat, that he actually apologized. But inside me, there was this doubt. This great doubt that told me things were going to happen too fast.
  • Monday: Somewhere along the line, things started getting worse and worse. Somewhere along the line, i barely ate anymore food. Somewhere along the line, things started deteriorating me. I didn't know why. But all these things were happening to me, and i certainly didn't deserve it. Today, it is Monday. Today i was nervous. Today i was on the edge of my seat. Today i was hanging from a cliff, way up high, scared that i might fall. The day before, Alex had told me to skip class with him. He told me that he was going to do sexual things to me. And i got scared. I didn't want him to persuade me into doing something i didn't want to do. This is why, the whole day, i was nervous. This nervousness, made me want to throw up even more. I panicked 24/7. I haven't eaten anything so far today, but i will have to eventually, or else my grandparents will think something is wrong with me. And surprisingly, I've lost 7 pounds already. During lunch, i was a horrible wreck. I was walking alone to the courtyard thing, where i meet my friends. And when i got there, my friend Izzy, he saw something in my eyes, i know because he looked at me and asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to say. Because i didn't know what i felt, i didn't know what emotion i was feeling. And i didn't even know what was wrong. It was so hard to put words into my mouth, that i stayed quiet. He just said "i could break your neck any second if you don't tell me whats wrong" he said it in a funny way. then he looked at me seriously, and he took my face in his hands, at that moment, i was freaking nervous, because i like Izzy. He got so close to me, i was going to have a heart attack. So i went away, without him noticing. And i sat alone on one of the seats far away from everyone. I looked at my notebook, and i started to cry. Everything i was holding up came crashing down, and i didn't know what to do. After a few minutes, someone approached me, it was Alex "why are you so gloomy?" he asks. And he keeps on asking it but i just look down. He leaves. One minute later, someone, a guy that I've never met in my life, comes up to me and sits next to me, and he says "what wrong, you okay?" and i just look away. "you seem sort of... depressed?" then, it really got to me. "well, i hope your okay" and then he left. that really gets to my nerves. when someone says I'm depressed. I'M NOT DEPRESSED. 

3/14/10 03:30 pm - part one

ryan pov
there i was. in the middle of nowhere. a canal to my right and an elementary school to my left. 
i was at the corner.
the corner of 8th ave and 44th pl. 
there was no beauty in this. there were canals, schools, houses, and ugly ducks. 
my name was Ryan.
sounds like Bryan.
sounds like the catcher in the rye-an.
i was laready tired of running, i ran to my hearts content. and i furged i wouldnt be going baqck home.
this is how all stories begin. 
i run away, and find someone who is able to save me'
we end up falling in love, and saving eachother from our explicable doom.
i am ambivalent, i dont care. 
any side is good ofr me. 
any side is good.
night cathches up on me. 
i have travled from west of town to the east. 
this is a bad place. 
and soon, i find my self tired, my legs giving out, im panting, and i thikn im abouit to cry. 
all these emotions of running away and scaredness are creeping me out.
i dont knwo where i am going. 
maybe, i should go to my friends house.
he lives in the east, i just dont knwo where.
i knew the appearence of his home, but all i knew was that it was on 4th ave east.
so, im walking down a neighboorhood at 1 am, and there are people outside a house talking.
and i ask them, "excuse me, do you know where fourth avenue of the east is?"
"yes yes, its a few blocks away from here" 
i give thanks to them, realizing that i couldnt take a few blocks more. 
my cell phone!
i dial ryuzaki's number.
the phone is ringing, and i impatiently wait.
ryuzaki (L) pov
'1:15 am, who could be calling me at this hour' i think, searching for my cellphone. 
call from: Ryan
i flip open the phone.
L: hello?
ryan: L, its me ryan, you gotta help me (he begins to cry)
L: ryan whats wrong?
ryan: ive run away, and its mistake, and i cant take it anymore, im so tired, im about to fall (he sobs)
L: where are you? 
ryan: i dont know i dont know. . .  god!!! (he panics)
L: stay on the line with me, you hear?
ryan: yes
L: ok, stay where you are, ill be right there, i promise
ryan: o..okay
ryan pov
ryuzaki is going to help me
and somehow, i found a little bit of hope within me. 
i sit down on the floor, knees brought to my chest, and i put my head down.
everything will be alright.

3/11/10 07:42 pm

she got to the cutting edge dilligently, actually avoiding using her rushing thoughts as an escpae of this malignant world.
there was no turning back. no returns.
L had mistreated her, she felt, empty, unwhole, lacking something of the greater good.
she didnt think this would occur.
she never expected L to act this way.
and now, she has ran away,
no bringbacks.
shes formulated a plan.
shes deviced a plan.
the next bus to sapporo shall leave in exactly 3 hours and 40 seconds.
her great uncle resides in sapporo.
her thought is to travel to sapporo, and meet her uncle, surprisingly, when arrived, she realized that her uncle had a different residence, as the neighbors had told her so.
what was next for her?
what was she to do?
stuck in the middle of sapporo, comming from tokyo, she is very far and has no money to return,.

3/7/10 05:51 pm

walking down the street, i feel like a crazy psychopath.
maybe that's what i am.
a crazy psychopath.
life was meant to be peaceful.
not like i have it.
and when i get to the park, i sit on a bench.
the bench i always sit on, when i visit at night.
this is the bench where bad things happen.
i cant say its "things".
i can say its a thing.
you will soon see.
soon see how i take out my razor blade out of my bag.
and how i lift up the sleeve of my right arm.
and how i press down on my skin with that blade.
how there are tiny rivers of flowing blood all over my arm.
how they are so beautiful and delicate and fragile that im too scared to look away.
because something might happen.
this is the part where i think about everything.
where i think about the problems we face in this world.
the problems we face.
whether or not this is real.
whether or not im real.
whether i want to die or not.
how will i die.
will i die by my own hands?
will i commit suicide?
how will my plans go about.
all this scares me.
it scares me so much.

3/7/10 05:43 pm

after i finish eating i excuse myself from the table.
and i run upstairs, and throw up everything into the toilet.
i go to my room. and i sit on my bed. and i think.
i always think allot.
I'm always thinking.
thinking about everything.
thinking about death.
thinking about life.
thinking about reality.
thinking about every problem that could but hasn't happened, yet.
Tobey enters the room.
he flies to his bed and he starts laughing.
"bro, cuz, you have got to be kidding me"
"what?" i question.
"why do you always throw up your food"
i enter state of panic. but i react calmly.
"what do you mean?" i ask.
"you think i cant notice these things. youre lucky that i havent told your dad,
he might just send you away again" he starts laughing.
this makes me angry.
it makes me so angry.
i just want to kill him.
i want to hurt somebody.
but i cant.
the only person i have in my reach is myself.
and ive suffered long enough.
so i run out of my room, grabbing my school bag with me, and i leave the house.
where i am off to?
i dont know.
probably to take a walk somewhere.
the park maybe.


3/7/10 05:34 pm

 i always pretend to eat allot in front of my grandparents. because i have to. or else, they worry about me.
i always pretend to socialize in school. because i have to. or else the teachers will worry about me.
i always have to pretend to be something that i am not.
i always have to pretend to do things i don't want to do.
today, i walked home in the rain.
i was waiting for my father to pick me up from school at the funeral.
he didnt show up.
i waited 3 hours.
he didnt show up.
i call him from inside a store.
"oh! im so sorry! i had totally forgotten to tell your grandmother to pick you up at the funeral home" he says.
"its okay" i say.
i walk home.
in the rain.
gives me a chance to think about things.
depressing things.
only in the rain.
when i get home, cousin is in our room.
we share a room, because hes living with us.
his name is Tobey.
hes a jerk.
i know how he treats people.
hes an egoistic son of a bitch.
but anyways.
its time for dinner.
and i force the food down my throat.
dad is there.
Tobey is there.
im there.
noone else.
this is my family.
fucking father.
stupid cousin.
lonely boy.


3/4/10 07:28 pm - cloudxreno: ALIVE

cloud was sitting on his bed, staring at the wall, he was beginning to cry.

he cried. he cried about everything. he cried because he needed to know what was the purpose of fighting. the purpose of everything.

he didn't understand this world, how cruel.

he didn't even understand himself.

he was sobbing. tears streaming down his cheeks.

he was about to kick the wall angrily, when someone opened the door of the room.

it was reno.

reno saw cloud crying. he couldnt take it.

he couldnt see the one he loved in pain.

he sat down next to cloud and held his hand.

for a moment, cloud felt like he should move away, be angry, be sad.

but then, the thought, i need to let it go.

he needed to let everything go away.

all the pain, the hurt, everything, it was to go away.

reno took both of clouds hands in his, and as cloud looked over,

they shared a kiss.

im feeling so alive.

im feeling so alive.

2/10/10 10:00 pm

The night sky is so wonderful. But your eyes are even more.

1/22/10 09:47 pm - *UPDATE*

friends dont answe phone
  1. probably because:
  2. bryan is fucking his boyfriend
  3. or
  4. hes busy....
  5. fucking his boyfriend
  6. and what about david...
  7. busy too
  8. fucking himself while he fucks his girlfriend
  9. and what about izzy???
  10. fucking gabriel.
  11. and gabriel?
  12. getting fucked by izzy
  13. and danny?
  14. fucking jarrell
  15. and jarrell, fucking alyssa
  16. and alex...
  17. touching some random girls boobs
  18. and that random girl, having an affair with a guy named bryan
  19. who is cheating on bryan, who is fucking his boyfriend
  20. who is gay.
  21. because theyre both guys
  22. and raquel?
  23. sitting on computer
  24. bored
  25. waiting for her friends to finish fucking


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